When I grow up

It is 1pm, I’m still in bed. I’ve been lying here thinking I should get out of bed for the last hour, but it’s not happening. The cat is asleep next to me and getting up would wake her up. So I’ll lie here and write a blog.

When I grow up I’m going to be an old woman, yes I said an old an old a really old woman.

Can’t remember who sang that, but yes I will be a really old woman with extremely long white hair that slithers down my body like a snake. I’ll sit on a tree stump in the middle of a woods muttering to myself. You will visit me there, and I’ll probably spit at you and you will be pleased that I did. Though by then you will be really really old too. Unless you have had large quantities of plastic surgery to keep you young, in which case you probably won’t register as living to me, who will be talking mainly to the trees.

If then you are really old like me, bring a good red wine or bottle of champagne along with you and we can sit in the wood and drink the night away singing old half remembered songs. We will be so old by then we won’t worry about health conditions or waking up in the morning. Maybe we will take off all our clothes, so we’ll be really old and naked in the woods, and we’ll dance around all wrinkly like the trees.

Quick note – dancing and wobbling on Sunday

For those of you in London this weekend I will be squeezing my big fat belly into a tight tight corset or other type garment and prancing around stage. Join me in some wiggling of the bottom and wobbling of the thighs at The Constition in Camden, 42 st Pancras way, NW1 0QT. This Sunday starting 8pm. Free I believe, but possibly a £2 raffle ticket.

Anyone who gets there and can say “Big Fat Belly!” Gets a free badge.

Big fat belly – food as a new discovery and a new fear

The new tables I’m on keep me in linear time, put me in a good mood, improve taste, and increase my appetite, unsurprisingly.

At first I was curious and, I must admit, a little excited. You see I’ve never put much weight on before. I was a skinny girl, a stick insect, and the boyish figure stayed into adulthood with little change. I wanted a ‘womanly’ figure, as my friend Jill puts it. At various times I had tried to put on weight, stuffing vast cakes till I felt sick, but it wasn’t happening.

Now all that has changed.

First though I have to say how great it is to enjoy food. I look forward to eating now, I plan my meals in advance. I realise I love aubergine and peeled tomato (the skins give me stomach cramp), broccoli and stilton, almonds and apricot. Before they had tasted pleasant now they taste great!

And I can eat, boy can I eat! I wouldn’t say food is better than sex, but eating a big meal and having a big full belly does make me feel weirdly sexy. I also find a full belly a comforting thing, when I was stressed working on a commission the other day a belly full of good food was a nice thing to stroke.

But here is where it all goes wrong. Friends I tell about my new love for food tend to be very negative about it, “oh you better get down the gym” they say and “diet, diet, diet! And fast one day a week”. I think this a little extreme as my weight gain isn’t even very noticeable yet.

Then there’s the internet. I start to grow out of my clothes, not that much but things are starting to look significantly tighter. I decide to buy a new outfit for teaching, I like to look smart. I go on the Internet to look at what’s available. I pick one and go to buy it, need to measure my chest, hips and waist – but my god my waist is huge! According to this Ive gone from extra small to medium verging on the large in four weeks! I don’t buy it and look for something else. Now I notice lots of adds popping up for dieting and exercise. I click one. I have never dieted in my life, do I have to now? Does this new delight for food have to be reined in?

More adds come up, now there are medical ones, talking about large bellies and the link to diabetes. I feel squeamish. I look down at my belly, it looks massive! I am a giant pregnant elephant!

I’m a psychological mess obsessed with weight for two days. I ate hardly anything which is exceedingly hard on these tablets. Then I stoped. I knew there was a reason why I avoid popular culture, it can turn you into a wreck!

Now time for a big breakfast