Jesus sits at the bottom of the glass bowl. He hasn’t grown very much. I was half hoping he might break the bowl. Perhaps the water is too cold for him, or too dirty.
Today was a slow lazy day, as Sundays are supposed to be, only I was teaching so I wasn’t supposed to be slow or lazy. I had a very minor seizure/vision in class. A very calm content feeling came over me as it often does just before, everything made sense and was wonderful. Luckily I’d told the students I was going to demonstrate how to stretch paper that day, so when I sensed the seizure coming on I told them I would be round the corner running the water in preparation. They are a nice bunch but I don’t want to panic them. I stand there in front of the taps, they have become massive, very slowly I grab one, cling on to it and turn it on. The water gushes out like a huge waterfall and the noise is deafening. The reflections in the shiny silver taps are bright and detached from objects in this universe. Swirling and triangular shapes grow and twist within its silver skin, attempting to escape, they tell stories I don’t understand. It is all so huge I’m loosing my grip on me. Must concentrate.
I took in a long deep slow breath, then another, stay calm and this will fade. Close your eyes, very slow, very calm. Slowly it faded, after a few minutes I returned to the class. I couldn’t remember words for a few minutes and prepared the demonstration in silence.
I’ve taken to making amulets and talisman for friends recently. It’s very enjoyable. I like making things that are not just aesthetic but have symbolism and the character of the person it is for entwined in it. I bath them for long periods on the altar and meditate on them. The cat meditates next to me.
Hera turned up in my head the other day. Maybe she was jealous of all my worshiping of Jupiter. I can’t really see she is significant to me, she is the goddess of marriage, which I can’t see much point to, tried it once, it didn’t suit me. What’s more she gets very jealous, which is something I am avoiding these days along with getting angry, paranoid and stressed. But there she was and is in my head. I have put a cow mask on the altar as the cow is her symbol. She talks to me of long term love and i reply to her mentioning her unfaithful husband and the fact that she didn’t want to marry him in the first place. She just sniffs at that. It seems strange talking about facts with fictional gods, but things have gone past the point of worrying about if it is strange or not.
So I started burning candles to Hera and Jupiter whilst pointing out to her that it is highly unlikely that a husband would put up with such odd activity during this day and age. Then Baset the cat goddess of the home seemed to get annoyed that I was missing her out as the heating broke down again and the builders started working directly above me.
At this point I decided this was getting all too complicated with these various Gods and I’m just going to go back to meditating on the Oak tree. I lite some dried oak leaves as inscence but burnt a small black circle into my finger whilst lighting it. It was very painful at the time but completely disappeared the next morning. A flesh sacrifice to the gods.
You may think I’m going a little insane here, but no, this is much more sane than it used to be, it is managing the beasts, that’s how come I can write about it.
To give Jesus his due he is now about twice the size he was when I got him.He has been in the glass jar 42 hours now. He was given to me as a birthday present from my sister a few years ago, I think she must have heard of my religious obsessiveness and was teasing. Although it is a silly plastic gimmick, to part of me it still means something important, like how the man climping the slope in Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep is still important to the people even after they know he is just an actor. Or Something.